Understanding what’s important … and what’s not. Love after 50

Francine Russo is a widely recognised journalist who covered the Boomer beat for Time for over a decade as well as writing for Scientific American, The Atlantic, and other major publications. 

Over the last two decades the number of divorces in the over 50-age group has rocketed and there are a lot of people looking for new partners. Francine herself was widowed twice before she found her current partner and was asked by many people for advice on meeting people and building new relationships. She realised that over the years she learned a lot about herself, about dating and about resilience as well as the more practical tools such as online dating so Francine her latest book Love After 50: How to find it, enjoy it and keep it, is designed to be both practical and psychologically helpful.

Studies have shown that love after 50 is more satisfying than at any other stage in life. Francine feels that people are more emotionally stable, more focused on the present and know not only what they have to have, but also what they can live without. Partnering is no longer about building a family, career and fortune. It’s about sharing intimacy as grounded individuals. And sex isn’t a pass or fail anymore, but about becoming erotic friends.

Dating brings the opportunity to reconnect with people but before reconnecting with the active world and meeting new people, it’s essential to get over previous relationships. If people start dating when they’re bitter, angry or lack confidence it will never work. People need to be OK with themselves – to be comfortable with themselves and their life as a single person before they can start to build new relationships.

Using social media and online dating sites can be a good way to ‘try’ a relationship, and ‘catch and release’ so, if after a couple of months things aren’t working, it’s time to move on. Some people can tap into any neediness they perceive so it’s important to be sensible when judging potential partners and to remember that there may be feelings of rejection in some instances.

Francine feels that time negates relationships and that when we’re older there is a different structure to a relationship. The rest of life element can be more bittersweet. There may be more day-to-day time to share but the years together are limited so people often feel grateful for the time together and just let small annoyances go. 

Because they aren’t raising children or building a career, people tend to come together for love, companionship and mutual support. Some people choose to marry, others live together or live apart. Some see their children and friends together and build a joint social life whilst others keep their lives separate and simply spend the time they want to together. There can be some problems if children are unhappy or unsure about a parent building a new relationship so it’s better to start with limited expectations about blending families. It’s not essential to work as a unit, just decide what to do together and what to do apart and to understand what’s important and what’s not

 You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Francine here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Francine’s book Love after 50 is available here.

Choose your struggle. Conversations about mental health, substance abuse and addiction.

Choose your struggle. Substance abuse, addiction and recovery.

Jay Shifman’s mission is to encourage difficult conversations and honest education around the issues of mental health, substance misuse, and addiction. A storyteller, speaker, podcaster, and event host, Jay entered recovery himself in 2010 after struggling with mental health and substance abuse problems for half a decade  following a misdiagnosis in his teens which left him addicted to prescription pills. Jay is now in long-term recovery and, through his company, Choose Your Struggle, works towards his two distinct goals, to end stigma and ensure that those who struggle receive the help they deserve.  

Jay feels that there are a huge number of people trying to deal with substance misuse and addiction but that they don’t talk about it because of the stigma that's attached to it. Talking about it and encouraging fact based education is the way to break down the stigma

Jay decided to get himself off prescription drugs. He spoke with his doctor who advised him to stay on the medication but Jay wanted to know what it was like living without the drugs in his life. He had already attempted suicide so he thought that things couldn't get any worse. It was a case of lets see what happens.

If Jay had been addicted to something like heroin he could have accessed a lot of help but there is not so much assistance for coming off prescription pills You have to trust yourself. Jay stayed with his grandmother who was very supportive whilst he undertook a four-month Step Down Detox Programme which reduced the amount drugs he took each day. It was very hard and very scary. Jay worked with a therapist who helped him get off safely because it needed to be done in a managed way. The failure rate for people who simply go ‘cold turkey’ is very high.

Making the decision to get off the drugs is just the beginning of the journey. The journey itself tests both mental health and resilience. Jay feels it took five years before his physical and mental health returned.  This can be a problem when going into rehab. If you haven’t treated the underlying issues then they will resurface as soon as you go back to your ‘normal’ life. Jay thinks that it’s a two stage process – the first part is to get off the drugs so you can start to feel what it’s like to be yourself again and the second part is focusing on yourself so you can understand why were you struggling, what were the underlying issues you had and what you need to do to take care of yourself.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Jay here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

For more information about Jay and his work , visit: www.jayshifman.com or find him on your favourite social media platform.

Jay’s podcast is Choose your struggle

Don't waste the good moments. Covid and beyond.

Radha Ruparell is a global cross-sector leader with expertise in leadership development and personal transformation. She has worked with CEOs, Fortune 500 senior executives, social entrepreneurs, and grassroots leaders around the world and heads the Collective Leadership Accelerator at Teach For All, a global network of independent organisations in 60 countries committed to developing leadership in classrooms and communities to ensure all children fulfill their potential.

The last year has been a difficult, traumatic one for Radha. She fell ill with Covid at the height of the pandemic and had to use all her leadership experience to navigate through the uncertainty and change it brought. It was April 2020 in New York and the first Covid wave was raging through the city.  Radha was on a conference call and started feeling breathless. Two days later she realised she had Covid. She was bedridden and because many of the hospitals were overrun and lacked PPE, she was told to stay at home. She did however end up in hospital and a year on she is still dealing with the symptoms that haven’t disappeared. These include mental and physical fatigue. Before Covid she surfed, ran and played tennis none of which she can now do. She tries to live a regular life but has to make constant adjustments.

Radha had to fall back on her reserves of mental toughness and needed to utilise all her leadership experience - how we manage ourselves, how we manage uncertainty and how we relate to one another. She needed to have  a strong support network and reach out for help. In the early days she couldn't speak without getting short of breath and was too tired to ask for help. Only a couple of people were aware she was ill and then a work colleague reached out. Radha had grown up thinking she shouldn’t share her personal troubles. She always toughed it out, but when she was ill she realised that being strong is the opposite – its about being able to share things, about what you’re feeling and your fears and vulnerabilities. It was a lifeline having a couple of consistent people in her life. She doesn’t think she would have been able to get through it otherwise.  

Radha also realised the importance of slowing down and asking what is going on within us, of taking a moment to check in with yourself so you’re not defining yourself by a situation and can rationilise it. Part of this is to understand the power of language and what we tell ourselves. The way we frame language can be destructive and we need to change it. Instead of having a bad day we have an off moment then every moment after that we have a choice.

Radha started writing her book when she was ill. Initially she wrote a two page article for her family and friends which reveled some of the things she had learned during Covid  - applying life and leadership lessons, how to be resilient , and how to slow down, discover inner strength and be vulnerable. Within two weeks 20,000 people had read it!

One of the takeaways from the book is how we deal with uncertainty. One of our biggest mistakes is that we resist uncertainty.  When she was ill Radha  had brain fog and couldn't read words on a page. She kept trying until she realised resisting was not helping – she couldn't do the things she usually did so needed to accept this was the current situation. She needed to be more creative and operate in a different way and realise that you can hold two conflicting ideas. You can accept what is happening and still be curious for what might be possible.

Sometimes it takes a catastrophic event to wake us up. These turning points can be terrifying but we all encounter them in our lives. The real question is: how will we face them? Despite our knee-jerk reaction to hang on to what’s “normal,” disruptive moments are exactly what’s needed to transform ourselves and the world around us.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Radha here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Radha and her book at Brave Now: Rise Through Struggle and Unlock Your Greatest Self   

From Sicily to the UK. How to overcome judgment and build confidence.

Claudia Tinnirello is an international bestselling author and the CEO and founder of web design business Sophisticated Cloud Limited. She is also a professional SquareSpace Web Designer, UX expert, former cookery chef and enthusiastic public speaker.

Originally from Sicily, Claudia has lived in England since 2005. Growing up in Sicily there was a mix of cultures but at that time it was still thought that women would get their college diplomas and then get married and start a family. Claudia didn't want to follow that route, she wanted to do something more with her life and be financially independent and her starting point was studying to get to university.  

After she finished university she started looking for a job, something that can be very difficult to find in southern Italy. A friend who was working for a call-centre in the UK told her that the company was looking for a new agent who could speak Italian, English and French. Having studied English at school, the UK was always somewhere that had interested Claudia. So, at the age of 23 she decided she would move to the UK. Her initial idea was to stay for four months but she has never left!

She was on her own when she arrived in London. She didn’t have anyone to guide her so she had to learn a lot very quickly! She didn't particularly like her job which was in a call-centre dealing with technical systems. Her training was in three languages which she found very tough. She had thought her English was good but when she arrived she couldn't understand what people were saying to her or be understood herself.  This came as a real shock and she struggled for a while but realised that the only way forward was to spend time with English people. When some people move to a new country they find it more comfortable to be with their own community but Claudia intentionally didn't mix with Italians because she wanted to integrate and learn the language properly.

Claudia feels that her resilience came from the fact that she was the first woman in her family to leave Italy on her terms. Her family didn't want her to go so Claudia feels her resilience was based on pride – although she wasn’t really happy initially she was going to stay because needed to make the point that she could do it. As time went on she became stronger and it became easier.

After being made redundant four times, the last time after ten years with the same company, Claudia had started to lack confidence and become unsure of what to do next. She spoke to a life coach who suggested she join Toastmasters International to try to and restore her confidence and control her nerves and fear of public speaking. When she was younger she feels she missed many opportunities because she was too shy and Toastmasters has helped her discover ways of becoming a better and more confident public speaker. So much so she is now President of the Toastmasters International Basingstoke Speakers Club.

Claudia feels that we can all do anything we want if we are persistent and fight for it. Even if things have been done for generations it doesn’t mean we cant do anything different. The most important thing is to not let society put a label on you.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Claudia here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Claudia at  www.SophisticatedCloud.com 


New solutions for Pain Management

Georgie Oldfield is a physiotherapist who also runs a training organisation where she trains health professionals and coaches to integrate a mind body approach to pain management.

Georgie was working as a physiotheapist for the NHS in a community-based role. She was working with patients who were suffering from such high levels of pain that they actually unable to get to a clinic. There were not a lot of options available to help these patients and Georgie gradually became interested in alternative ways of managing pain. The results she was getting led her to leave the NHS in 2005 and set up her own clinic.

Shortly afterwards she woke up one morning with sciatica. She had absolutely no idea what had caused it but having just left the security of her NHS role, setting up a new business meant she was dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. At the time she didn't think this was relevant until she went to see someone who actually asked her what was going on in her life. It was then she realised that she was holding the stress in her body and this was how it was manifesting itself.

So is pain a manifestation of a physiological or emotional problem, a physical one or both? Pain is a protect response, and body pain is perceived by the brain and felt in body. There is no evidence to link the severity of pain we feel with the amount of tissue damage we have so it’s possible to have severe pain but no tissue damage. If the body heals and the pain persists after body has healed you have to ask why. If it’s not anything to do with the extent of the injury, it can be about whether we are anxious, depressed, have negative beliefs about pain or a past trauma.

There are a number of factors that surround how we perceive pain. There are also a lot of different triggers or causes of pain. Anxiety, depression, anticipation or fear of pain can all affect whether we feel severe or less severe pain. Our attitude to pain can also affect the degree of how we feel pain as does our personality and behaviour. It’s not just current stress that can produce pain. Things from earlier on in our lives can affect us too, such as adverse childhood experiences which are also more likely to impact on ill health later in life.

Living with chronic pain often means you become focused on the pain, which then fuels the pain itself. Understanding persistent pain is an empowering experience as sufferers realise pain is within their control.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Georgie here. Our previous podcasts, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more about Georgie and her work at https://www.georgieoldfield.com/ Her book is Chronic Pain : Your key to Recovery

Moving on from gambling addiction. The importance of love and support.

Patrick Chester started gambling in his late 20s. It was something he grew up with and it was portrayed as something that was commonplace. Initially it was a fun activity, something he did with his with friends. He was in his early 30’s when he got married to Erica in 2006 and it was after this that his gambling led him to start making bad choices, hide things from Erica and lie to cover up his gambling.

Over the first nine years of their marriage there was a slow progression of the lies and deception. Patrick was working for himself as a contractor and he started using the money he made and also borrowed more money to feed his gambling habit. In 2015 Erica’s family found out what was going on and got involved by arranging an intervention with a moderator. Patrick then went into treatment for a month and shortly afterwards had to go to jail for some crimes he had committed to feed his addiction.

Erica feels she has learned a lot the last six years. She had no idea gambling was an addiction and was not willing to give up when she learned how sick Patrick was and how he wanted to get better. She couldn't throw the towel in knowing it was addiction that was causing him to be sick and not reckless behaviour.

Often it is not just the addict who carries guilt or shame. It is only recently that Erica learnt to let go of a lot of this – should she have asked more questions, investigated more or not believed his stories. When they first met they had a lot of things in common - sports and the outdoors and she had no reason not to trust him. When she found out about the gambling she felt duped and angry but when she looked back she realised there were some missed red flags – some times her debit card didn’t work but Patrick would always have a reason for it and she believed him. The problem would be fixed but should she have demanded proof or better answers?

Patrick never came clean with Erica, rather he sent an email to another family member. Erica had a call from her Dad saying he needed to see her urgently because he had found out that Patrick had a really bad gambling addiction, they weren’t sure how bad it was but they were leaving now and meeting an interventionist. Erica had no control over anything as everything she knew came from a third party.

Her family put an intervention in place in 24 hours and the family met with the interventionist the day prior to the intervention. Erica doesn’t remember very much about it. She was in complete shock and very emotional. The interventionist explained about addictions, what it does to the body and brain and what would happen the next day. They all had to write a letter to Patrick saying that if you don't choose this lifeline, there is no place for you. It was a massive ultimatum. When he arrived Patrick realised what was going to happen. Once he got over his initial reaction he felt a huge sense of relief that things where coming to a head – he was ready for it.

Erica is indebted to her family. It was very surreal with everyone coming together. They were angry but they put that to one side and focused on fixing Patrick even without knowing the full extent of the problem. The focus was ‘lets get this figured out and get him fixed’. Once he had gone into treatment everything started to come out which for Erica was terrifying. She didn’t know the extent of what Patrick had done and he had used her social security number for fraudulent purposes and she was left to deal with everything. All her family were involved along with three different lawyers but it still took weeks to sort things out.

It has taken a very long time for Erica to forgive Patrick. Through counselling, Gam anon and researching the subject she managed to separate the person from the addiction – the person she married was not the person who did those things – but there was so much anger and hurt sometimes she thought it was all too difficult.

In the beginning she was very vigilant and almost paranoid but the more Patrick showed he was on the right path the more trust there was. They improved their communication style and she took charge of all their finances. Now she thinks that Patrick has done so many good things through his recovery that there is too much to risk. Patrick felt that the first couple of years were very difficult and frustrating at times but if he took a step back he realised that he had a chance to regain Erica’s trust. Now he feels they have built trust and transparency in life.

Erica feels that Gam anon was really helpful. She needed to know she was not the only one and relate to people going through the same things. This along with the specialist addiction therapist she worked with formed the basis of the team she built around her. She feels the most important ways of supporting someone with a gambling addiction is to educate yourself, don’t give up, to surround yourself with people who love and support you and not to make judgments. Patrick feels that when someone is in a gambling frenzy the most important thing is to tell someone that you are struggling - the disease will progress and won’t go away on its own. You need help and talking about it is the first step.

He also recommends that anyone who feels they has a problem gets in touch with Gamblers Anonymous and the National Suicide Prevention line in US or the Samaritans in UK.

You may also be able to access help in the UK at https://www.okrehab.org/

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Erica and Patrick here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Living Love. Summers at Camp Jabberwocky.

Dr Steven Gardner is a Primary Care Internist at Massachusetts General Hospital where he works with adults with a range of issues. For the last twenty-five years he has also worked during the summer at Camp Jabberwocky, a special camp in Martha’s Vineyard for people with a range of abilities and disabilities. He was introduced to the camp through his son Graham who was born with Cerebral Palsy. Graham was unable to speak or to walk and needed help with everything but he was accepted as a camper at Camp Jabberwocky and Steven became a camp doctor. For thirteen years they spent summers with an eclectic group of campers and volunteers who formed a very unique family with and without disabilities who come together in the summer time in a beautiful place to live together and care about each other.

Cerebral Palsy or CP encompasses a wide range of brain and nervous issues that can range from mild to severe. Someone with a more mild form might have a limp but would be able to function perfectly well in other areas whilst a more severe form can damage the brain more profoundly would mean someone would be unable to speak, be in a wheelchair and need assisted technology and other people to help them physically although they are cognitively absolutely fine. In the past it was thought that CP was caused by birth trauma but now it’s more likely that its due to a problem such as a toxin or virus that occurs during pregnancy and is generally completely unknown to the mother.

Steven’s son Graham possessed an inherent dignity and radiance. He was never resentful and radiated kindness and love. He lived 22 years and passed away just before his 23rd birthday from an epileptic seizure when he was swimming in a pool with his father. After his death, the family received around 1500 condolence cards and they began to realise how Graham had touched a lot of people along the way – they had taken care of him but he had given them something back. His legacy was one of love and kindness, that we support one another, that we are one family and community and don't leave anybody behind.

Camp Jabberwocky was one of the first sleep over camps for people with serious disabilities. In 1953, UK actress Helen Lamb was working in Massachusetts as a speech therapist. She had to visit a number of children who were in wheelchairs and it made her angry that they had to spend summers indoors so she decided to take a few children to a place where they could spend the summer doing the things able bodies children did. She found an island 6 miles away from Cape Cod and in the summer of 1953 took 3 kids and 1 helper away for the first time. She didn’t really have a plan and had little money but did possess a belief that it was all going to work out. 68 years later it is part of the fabric of the area.

Helen created something really special. As well as the idea that love can abound and be shared, the camp works around fun and laughter. Laughter is an important part of resilience – it reduces stress the hormones and elevates the feel good hormones. Laughter also increases humanity and hierarchy quickly dissolves when you have fun with each other - Steven quickly became Dr Steve to everyone at the camp!

Most parents don’t stay at the camp but Steven was obviously an exception because of his role. As well as providing first aid for day-to-day cuts and bruises, Steven had to monitor all the serious underlying health issues that the campers but he was still able to go on adventures with his son and engross himself into the rhythms of the camp as a dad and doctor.

After Graham’s death the most difficult decision for Steven was whether to return to the camp. It would be painful without Graham but Steven knew that by going back to that special place and family, they would be loved and supported. Steven doesn’t know the reason Helen had in naming the camp but he thinks of it as a philosophy of living – to have open hearts and open minds, to embrace each other’s differences, to support each other, to laugh and create together and even to cry and argue together. This is what’s known as Jabberwocky love and every years when the campers and volunteers go back home they are always leave with the question - why cant the real world be more like Camp Jabberwocky?

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Steven here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

Graham’s life and Camp Jabberwocky are the inspiration and location that Steven celebrates in his book  Jabberwocky: Lessons of Love from a Boy Who Never Spoke 

You can find out more at Jabberwockybook.com. 

Resilience, burnout and the importance of self-compassion

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled - Resilience burnout and the importance of self-compassion.

Dr Gail Gazelle spent a large part of her career as a hospice physician and end of life carer. Ten years ago she pivoted and retrained became an executive coach so she could help other physicians deal with what at the time was seen as an epidemic, physician burnout.

Dr Gazelle sees resilience as a deep well of resources that resides in each of us. Resilience is more than just bouncing back, it’s about reaching our personal or professional goals with the minimum unnecessary difficulty, whether it’s physical, emotional, spiritual or physiological. We all have goals but can run into obstacles and resilience helps us to reach our goals with minimum wear and tear.

There are many things that deplete resilience. Our life circumstances are often not within in our control. We can do little about where we are born, poverty, wealth, racism or other issues but some resilience comes with these circumstances. Another thing that can deplete resilience is not learning how to deal with our problems and being inflexible in how we approach them. We also don't learn how to work with our own thought processes. or have the fexibility of mind to work with our own mind. Additionally, we don't invest in the relationships that support us during hard times by connecting with people or nurturing and repairing our relationships.

The other area Dr Gazelle is interested in is burnout. Burnout can occur in a large variety of professions or workplaces. The thing that is universal is a lack of engagement and this captures the essence of what many people find in their workplace - that they are not being seen, they are not being given the time to do their job or being appreciated. Dr Gazelle feels that burnout is a feeling of being disconnected from our sense of purpose so that we become unfilled and emotionally exhausted. This is seen a lot in the healthcare sector and a result is that the focus of the person suffering from burnout becomes less on the patient on more on their own feelings. There is also a deep sense of pain which can stop them connecting with those they serve and should be taking care of. In other other professions burnout can lead to a loss of passion and caring and a sense of depletion and lack of direction.

Mindfulness is at the heart of resilience. It’s about awareness and paying attention to what’s right in front of us so we get to know our own mind patterns and understand when our mind is helping us or tripping us up. Mindfulness is different to self-awareness because mindfulness involves working with the judgments the mind makes and trying to bring more compassion and more kindness to ourselves and others.

Self-compassion is also a powerful tool that can help us find more inner peace, strength and motivation to deal with the challenges that come our way. Self-compassion is about responding to our own suffering in the caring way we would respond to a friend or a child who’s struggling. A Self-Compassion Break uses three different stages to directly experience the three components of self-compassion - Mindfulness, Common Humanity and Kindness. We need to bring compassion towards ourselves so that we are aware that we are struggling and going through difficulties. We need to remind ourselves that suffering is part of the human condition and this is what it looks like. By bringing the kindness to ourselves that we would give to someone else, ultimately builds greater kindness to ourselves.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Gail here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can find out more at www.gailgazelle.com

Dr Gazelle’s book is Everyday Resilience. A Practical Guide to Build Inner Strength and Weather Life’s Challenge

Hamilton to heart attack. The theatre of perfection

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled - Enjoy the experience as much as the result. Musical theatre and managing perfectionism.

Julian Reeve was a Music Director for over 25 years with a career that combined music and business and took him around the world.  He joined the Broadway team of Hamilton as Music Director and took it on it’s first national tour in 2017 before suffering from a heart attack which was triggered by maladaptive perfectionism. He is now based just outside Los Angeles where he is a perfectionism contributor, speaker, and author.

Julian started out as a musician before moving on to musical direction, which involves the running and creative upkeep of a show. Musical theatre can be seen to be a process rather than being creative as its essential to keep producing the same piece of music every night without mistakes to ensure the longevity of a show. The Musical Director also has to build team spirit and ensure high-level performance without burning out. Resilience is important. Julian feels you need to find the parts you enjoy and forget the bits you don't like to find the positivity which is the only thing that keeps you going. The Music Director is sometimes thought to be the least musical person in the room as their role is less about the music more about being the best leader and facilitator. Julian found his resilience by looking outside the box. He was always motivated by finding out what made his team tick and what got them to perform at their best every night. Even after five years on the same show you can still discover new things.

Julian had no idea he was a perfectionist until he was in his 40s. He suffered his heart attack 3 months after starting Hamilton and he feels his perfectionism was the cause. In his childhood he suffered from low self esteem and bullying, which led to bad lifestyle choices. Perfectionism has numerous explanations but research has shown it falls into two categories - adaptive and maladaptive. The adaptive part is what is recognised as good perfectionism, the part that gets good results, but the maladaptive side can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout and even suicide. Nothing is ever good enough. Perfectionists battle between the two and need to create equilibrium to regulate their experiences but this needs knowledge. We need to find a way to speak to perfectionists in a different way. They need self-compassion. This is made up of three elements, self-kindness, mindfulness and common humanity.

Julian now works with children and adults but his book is aimed at 6 to 12 year olds who can learn perfectionist behaviour in childhood. They need to develop self-management techniques. Warning signs include low self esteem, putting themselves down, mistakes being unacceptable, struggling to celebrate when they do well, fear of failure, all or nothing thinking and there only one way to do something.

Perfectionists need to learn self worth, to value themselves enough and to learn to love themselves.  They need to be able to say ‘I’m worth more than this’, to slow down and readdress. Perfectionism can be exciting if you can hone the gifts perfectionism gives you to the point where you become high performance.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Julian here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and previous blogs are also available.

You can get in touch with Julian at www.julianreeve.com or www.captain-perfection.com

Attitude to Gratitude. Turning a challenge into a benefit to others.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – Attitude to Gratitude. Turning a challenge into a benefit for others.

In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to Holly Bertone, the President and CEO of Pink Fortitude, LLC, and founder of Fortitude.Academy and the health and wellness website pinkfortitude.com. Holly spent the first 10 years of her career as a recruiter before becoming a Chief of Staff in the federal government service. As well as having a highly successful career, Holly took part in triathlons and was a mountain bike racer but she was diagnosed and treated first for breast cancer and then for the autoimmune illness, Hashimoto Disease. She is based in Alexandria, Virginia.

When Holly was diagnosed with breast cancer she was told ‘don't worry you have the good kind of cancer’.  Two days later her boyfriend proposed (they have recently celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary) and, having completed surgery, chemotherapy and radiation treatment, they got married 10 days after Holly’s treatment ended. Over the next year however she kept getting sicker and sicker and the following year was diagnosed with the autoimmune condition Hasimoto Disease. This can lead to a number of symptoms including fatigue, migraine and IBS that are sometimes manageable and sometimes debilitating.

An autoimmune condition is really a case of our immune cells doing what they should be doing. The body has too much inflammation in it and the autoimmune system is trying to calm it down and put the fire out. There are 80 – 100 autoimmune diseases and they can have varying symptoms such as debilitating fatigue, pain, rashes, IBS and migraines. The symptoms and severity are different from person to person.

Holly was still working full time and could still function but she self demoted herself to an analyst role to reduce the amount of stress she was dealing with. She investigated different ways of dealing with her condition but gratitude seemed to be the driver - you can wake up and be miserable about your condition or wake up and be thankful for what life has given you. Holly’s mother had been diagnosed with Addison’s Disease, an autoimmune illness and Holly recalls that her mother was always positive, saying that gratitude builds fortitude.  Going through tough times builds fortitude and being grateful builds fortitude. It can be transformative in the midst of storms.

We all need fortitude or inner strength. Every day we can choose to be a victim of circumstance or we can say ‘I’ve got this’.  Our day might not be perfect but we can take control of our life despite of what’s coming our way – we can deal with what we’re going through because we’re strong and have fortitude. It’s about having a mental narrative and giving ourselves positive messages. We're all really good at ‘talking bad to ourselves’ and telling ourselves that we’re not good enough. Holly feels we should talk to ourselves as if we were talking to a baby, a grandparent or a member of the clergy – with respect, kindness and lovingness. If we’re feeling bad at the start of the day, messages, a mantra or inspirational quote can help get through a tough time. It's a matter of finding what works for you

Holly feels that gratitude is the umbrella. A simple definition of gratitude is that it’s a state of being thankful, a place of joy or love.  A way of getting started would be to start to think about 3 things to be grateful for in the morning and 3 before you go to bed. Over time this gradually starts to grow and change your mindset. The benefits of gratitude have a scientific base. Dr. Robert Emmons is a leading expert on gratitude and he has undertaken a number of world studies on the link between gratitude and wellbeing. It has been established that practicing gratitude has 7 benefits. Gratitude can:

1. open the door to more relationships.

2. improve physical health.

3. improve psychological health.

4. enhance empathy and reduce aggression.

5. help people sleep better.

6. improve self-esteem.

7. increase mental strength.

Holly has turned two significant health challenges into a passion to help transform the lives of women struggling with chronic illness by sharing the power of gratitude.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about Holly here. Our previous podcast episodes, upcoming guest list and full blog archive are also available.

You can get in touch with Holly through pinkfortitude.com or Fortitude.Academy 

Holly is also the #1 Amazon.com bestselling author of the book Thriving in the Workplace with Autoimmune Disease: Know Your Rights, Resolve Conflict, and Reduce Stress, the first book ever to educate others on Autoimmune Disease as a legal disability in the U.S. workplace.

Conflict of identity? Remember the mission.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – Conflict of identity? Remember the mission.

 In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to James Boardman a former Royal Marine Commando Sniper and Physical Trainer who served for eight years including some time in Afghanistan as part of a 6-man sniper team. He left the Royal Marines in 2011 to pursue a family life but struggled to come to terms with being back in a normal life, away from the military. Conflicting identities caused James to turn to drink and within three years he was divorced, on the verge of loosing his house, and struggling to find a path. Minutes away from attempting suicide James managed to pull himself away from this environment long enough to see a new path. In 2013 he started his first business, a fitness Bootcamp which he grew to a £100k a year business in its first year. In 2017, he started The Man Coach with the sole purpose of helping men become Elite Operators in life.

In this podcast, James talks about how he helps men to rebuild their lives and have a better state of mind through the way they live their lives emotionally, physically and mentally. He calls this an Elite Operating Mindset, an alter ego by which we set our standards to build the character, values and principles needed to perform in life for the four pillars of health, relationships, personal development and business. James originally started working with his clients on their fitness and nutrition but many seemed to fall off the programme. He started to consider why this was happening and realised that the chaos of life – responsibility, conflicting identity, direction – was what was stopping them.  He decided to change his tactics and concentrated on the key root of the problem, the level of control, consistency and clarity of where men were going.

James was in the Royal Marines for eight years and everything he talks about comes from his experiences. The mindset and processes he has are from what he has gone through and what he has used to get where he is today. He really loved being in the Marines but he left because he wanted to be a full-time Dad and role-model. He thought going back to normal life would be easy but he struggled with a conflict of identity. When he left the Marines he was a Sargent who was respected, was part of something, had purpose and mission and knew where he was heading.  When he left, everything from the last eight years was lost. He became a teacher at a college and there was a huge difference between teaching motivated recruits and 16-19 year old students. He didn't really settle in and considered rejoining the Marines but that fell through and within three years of leaving he was divorced, seeing his kids for half a week and suffering financial difficulties.  Things came to a head and one night he thought about ending his life. Instead he went out for a run for three hours and spent the time reflecting on his life. When he came back he had decided he wanted to turn things around.

Male identity can be a real problem. Many men get their sense of identity through their work. James feels you should replace identity with purpose, to ‘remember the mission' and have an emotional connection to an outcome. He feels motivation is an emotion like happiness or sadness that comes and goes and is not substantial enough to drive change. We need to decide what is our mission in life and create a ten-year vision within the four pillars of health, relationships, personal development and business. James also thinks we should work towards a 1% a day improvement so instead of acting emotionally and making changes for a few weeks and then stopping, we should try to reach long term control, clarity and consistency –1% a day over a year gives you a 365% improvement! Along the way there would be big wins and changes but resilience is also built so we have control of a situation and can deal with having one bad day.  The next day we just realign with the mission, we Learn- Grow – Repeat.

James had to rethink his purpose. He became involved in a dispute with the College he was working for and started doing some part-time work as a Personal Trainer. The dispute went through a grievance procedure but the relationship was unworkable so he left with a settlement. He saw it as an opportunity to change so although he knew nothing about working for himself he set up his own Bootcamp business. Six months into his journey he remembered what had happened before and saw how far he had come and how much further he could go in six years. He realised that he had allowed himself to let go of his life as a Royal Marine and that he had taken what he needed from that and become stronger, was happy with who he was and that he had moved on with his life.

James feels that people try to become best version of other people rather than themselves. It is easy to be influenced by social media and celebrity and take traits from each. When you have clarity you understand what success is to you and what is enough. The more you fail, the more you understand yourself and become more secure in who you are. What comes out of failure can be better.

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about James here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available. Our full blog archive is also available.

You can get in touch with James at The Man Coach  where you can access a free five day challenge and James’s Daily Rise to Thrive Facebook Show, his It's a State of Mind Podcast and The Man Coach YT Channel

Jame’s book It's a State of Mind Book is available at Amazon.

Building resilience for emergency responders.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – Building resilience for emergency responders.

In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to John Marx, the Executive Director of the Law Enforcement Survival Institute and editor of the law enforcement wellness website www.CopsAlive.com

John is based near Denver Colorado and is now a consultant and trainer who works with law enforcement officers and emergency responders to help them build their wellness and resilience - as their motto says, ‘Saving the lives of those who save lives’. John was a law enforcement officer himself for 23 years but by the end of his career he felt very burned out.

When he was a serving officer John contemplated suicide and he now realises that many other law enforcement officers, emergency responders, fire fighters and paramedics have the same thoughts. They see the worst of society and this takes a toll on the human spirit over time. John knew he was suffering so he chose to leave law enforcement and sought out help. He wanted to venture out on his own and do something different so he moved into a completely news environment. The suicide of an ex friend and colleague however, brought back many memories and made him recognise that there were many people who suffered in silence and had families and friends who didn't realise what they were going through.  John wanted do something to change this so decided to set up an organisation to provide consultancy and training services to develop the health and wellbeing of emergency responders.

Many of us get our knowledge of the emergency services from film and television. John feels that these capture a little about what these careers are like but although they do a good job in showing the fear and outrage that providers go through, they don't capture the ongoing stress generated from nurturing society’s ills. There is an underlying malaise that comes from having to deal with dreadful situations and people day in, day out.  John worked for some time as a community police officer so got to know people in his area. He felt it was important to know the people he served and believes believes this is how police officers should work.

John feels that everyone is born with some resilience but that it is also something we can build. In the emergency services resilience needs to be built because there are forces working against so there is a need to be prepared. Since the shift to remote working many people have found difficult switching between work and home. The relentless series of interactions makes it difficult to wind down. John uses a mechanism he calls a ‘buffer time or zone’ to change between work and home. Emergency responders see so much death, destruction, poverty and sadness that it is challenging not to bring it home. Many responders try to protect their loved ones from their experiences and this in itself can be very harmful.

John feels that being a serving police officer is a profession not just a job and there is a need to strive for excellence to be the best you can be and provide the best service to community. This need to be intentional is a mindset that we can programme though visualisation, positive affirmation and programming to build habits to intentionally improve ourselves. We need to be conscious of our habits because they can get locked so we need to break the pattern and stay in the present moment

You can listen to the podcast in full and find out further information about John here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available.

You can get in touch with John at:
www.LawEnforcementSurvivalInstitute.org
www.CopsAlive.com
www.ArmorYourSelf.com

How our narrative determines our choices.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – How our narrative determines our choices.

Kimberly Spencer is an award-winning high performance coach and trainer, who is currently based on the Gold Coast of Australia. Originally from Los Angeles, Kimberly is also and Amazon best-selling co-author, international motivational speaker, and founder of CrownYourself.com where she helps visionary leaders build their empire and stand out in their full potential in their bodies, businesses, and relationships.

Kimberly’s uses her personal experience to inspire, motivate, and coach her clients using what she has learned from her personal development to help others to find their truth. She feels very strongly that we learn from different experiences and that in every problem there is an opportunity to grow.  The narrative we feed ourselves is incredibly important - the old adage of whether the news is good or bad comes back to the news being how we view it and what we decide it is.

She feels this also equates to the narrative of whether we see ourselves as a success or a failure. We all have successes and failures but we don't tend to share our failures so other people only see the successes. The link running through all our successes and failures is having the resilience to pick ourselves up and carry on. Our narrative also determines the choices we have and ultimately the control we have over our lives. We might not like some of the choices we are given and would prefer different options but we all have the ability to choose the attitude we take in that space. No one can take away the way we respond to a choice.

This power of personal choice is especially important to Kimberly as she grew up in a household with an addict father, which made her early home life very difficult. She realised she was a people pleaser so had to learn the importance of self-love. The pressure to be perfect can be overwhelming and cause people to blame themselves for just being human.  Often we link our personal value to something tangible. We need to get away from this external validation and external pleasing and not live our lives at the behest of other people.

Kimberly also talks about identity and how people attach it to things such as bank balances or weight. By attaching identity to the number on the scale, we are looking at it as the effect of choices that have been made. Having these choices allows us to be ourselves and, equally, making a choice not to do something is incredibly empowering because we’re cleansing ourselves and getting rid of things we don't want to do.

You can listen to the podcast in full here. Our previous podcast episodes and upcoming guest list are also available and there is an option to sign-up to receive our podcast episodes on release. Our full blog archive is also available and you can sign-up to receive these on a weekly basis.

You can find out more about Kimberly here.

How to survive a technology driven workplace.

The latest episode in our Resilience Unravelled series has now been released, Resilience Unravelled – How to survive a technology driven workplace.

In this episode, Dr. Russell Thackeray talks to Steve Prentice, a published author, keynote speaker, university lecturer, and full-time consultant to Fortune 500 companies. His specialty is explaining the practical and emotional impacts and benefits of technological change in regard to productivity, collaboration and life balance, and in providing practical steps to make these changes work.

Steve is interested in resilience from the standpoint of people and technology and how we manage the changes that technology brings. Although technology is a tool, we can struggle to use it. We need time to adapt and the speed of transformation over the last 25 to 30 years has overtaken our capacity for change. Our bodies haven’t learned to process the signals from technology such as the way we respond to light or even to the information itself. The false sense of urgency we feel to reply to an email immediately along can be manipulated by cyber criminals who use our response reflex to trick us into clicking a link to a piece of malware

Looking at the work scenario over the next five to ten years, Steve feels the soft skills of empathy and critical thinking will be key.  AI and robots will change some industries but the capacity to think critically will be essential to keep businesses safe. At the moment with so many people working from home, cyber security has become more important. Is the link between our home router and our place of employment safe?

A lot of people working at home have found they’ve been interrupted just as much as in the office. There have been too many Zoom meetings but Steve feels this is not the fault of technology rather our capacity to establish relationships to those making the bookings. The most powerful weapons in managing our time are being able to influence and relate to managers, customers and co-workers. Our calendars shouldn’t be telling us what to do but telling other people when we are available  

Technology means an increased speed of response is expected so it’s important to manage expectations. People get concerned if they don’t get a response straight away so we need to give them something tangible. An email saying you’ll reply within three hours or by the end of the day makes people feel more comfortable and provides a sense of structure.

There is a natural rhythm to work that has been disrupted by home working. At home we are always available. We go out for a walk at lunchtime but take our phone with us so can always be contacted.  We need to make sure we have structure to our day and have ‘time on and time off’. This can be difficult in some situations but even if we are in a continuous working environment we still have the capacity to hand over work. We need to choose this option even though it might be easier not to because it’s far healthier.

Digital literacy is the key to surviving a technology driven workplace. Information is universal and free and it’s essential to know how to keep pace with what’s important in the world.  We need to know what’s happening and have the ability to pull in information we can use for our education and career. The most important thing to remember though is that as with all information there is wheat and chaff. We need critical thinking so we consider where we get information from and question it before we connect with others.

You can listen to the podcast in full here.

You can find out more about Steve and sign up for his blogs and podcasts at steveprentice.com